There’s a theory called the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy which states that if someone hears an untrue statement about themselves, then hears it repeated, they will be influenced by the repeated message so much that they will begin to believe it, and then will begin acting in a way that makes the statement actually become true.

For example, if a child is very smart, but maybe thinks things through slowly before responding, a teacher may tell that child that he or she isn’t very smart. If another student repeats that, then the child has heard that message twice. If the child then goes home and a parent tells the child that they aren’t smart, etc., then that child will have heard that same message repeated multiple times, from multiple sources. The more someone hears a message, the more they begin to take it in, process it, and believe it. That child will then begin to act less smart and start believing that he or she is not smart.

Think about messages you have heard in your life, maybe from parents, teachers, coaches, supervisors, peers, family, and friends. If the messages are positive, you may believe things about yourself that possibly weren’t true, but you’ve changed your actions so that they are. If someone repeatedly says to you that you are “so pulled together, and always dressed sharply,” you will begin believing this and you will begin being more aware of your wardrobe and how you are presenting yourself, becoming what others have said you are.

But if someone has told you that you’re lazy, or worthless, you may be believing that message instead. What messages have you heard, and what messages stick with you and repeat themselves to you regularly? Did a parent criticize you regularly about something, and you now think that’s who you are?

Negative messages directed at us can have a very real effect, changing our behavior and thoughts, and influencing our beliefs about ourselves. If you’ve been hearing negative messages, don’t let the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy happen with you – start thinking, with each message, whether you believe it’s really true or not. Start telling yourself countering messages – if someone has said you’re lazy, start telling yourself consistently and repeatedly that you are a hard worker who cares about doing a good job. You will see, as you change the messages, that your behavior changes.

Reframing is another technique that can be helpful if you’ve been hearing messages that have negatively impacted you or influenced you. Reframing is taking a message or a story, removing all emotion, removing all blame, and whittling it down to strictly facts, and then challenging those facts – are they really true? And then reframe the message or the story so that it is brief, factual, and so that no emotions are involved to cloud the basic facts.

An example of reframing is… if you were driving, and had a car accident, the person with you may have told you that the accident was all your fault, or that you’re a terrible driver. You may let their words stick with you forever, changing how you feel about yourself, and also questioning your ability to drive. Reframe the story without emotion or blame – “The light turned red, I didn’t see it, and we ended up in an accident.” That’s it… no emotion.. no blame… just facts. This doesn’t mean non-accountability; it means don’t let an incident define who you are as a person, and don’t let someone else’s perspective and viewpoint change what you think about yourself.

What messages are sticking with you that may be disrupting your well-being and your ability to feel peace and happiness in your life? Take those messages and reframe them, counter them with positive messages, and tell yourself the things you would want a best friend to say to you. Hear new messages, start believing the more positive messages, and you will start acting in ways that are better for you, which will lead to better behavior, better decisions, and overall better well-being.