At some point in your life you’ve probably had a conversation in your head with someone that you wished you could have with them in person. Often we do this once we’ve lost someone, either through a relationship ending, or because someone has passed away. There are things left unsaid, and sometimes things we realize too late, that we wish we could talk about with someone who’s gone.

The lack of closure, and lack of healing, that often goes with these unspoken conversations can cause us to feel unsettled. We may replay situations over and over in our head, coming up with the things we wish we had said, or wish we could say. The inability to actually carry through with that conversation leaves an open wound, sometimes, that just can’t seem to heal because we’re still carrying it around and replaying it.

If you’ve ever struggled with the feeling of lacking closure, or holding on to old grievances, you may have received the advice where someone suggests you write a letter and then throw that letter away. I don’t know about you, but I’ve found that the process of writing can be very cathartic, freeing my mind from thoughts that I’ve not previously been able to let go of. The process of writing can also be a healing one, helping to clarify and resolve situations that have caused us hurt or confusion.

Somewhat similar to writing the letter and throwing it away, there’s a therapy technique that trained counselors use called “The Empty Chair.” I would recommend, if you do this, that you do it alongside a counselor who can then help you process whatever feelings, emotions, responses and ideas come from the experience. Essentially you sit across from an actual chair which, of course, is empty. You imagine a person sitting in the chair directly across from you, and you have a (1-sided) conversation with that person as if they’re sitting there with you. You say all the things that you’ve, until now, been unable to say. Get it all out, clear the air, cry, yell, beg, or express whatever emotion or need comes to you as you talk. As I mentioned, this is only part of the process, and it’s helpful to have a counselor to process all of the after-effects of having had this “conversation.”

The Empty Chair technique has a second side of it, as well, where you then move to the other chair and assume the role of whoever you had the conversation with, and you try to speak from their perspective. Imagine what they may think or feel in response to what you’ve said, and express those thoughts and feelings from their viewpoint. This helps sometimes to resolve conflict, or to help you see from someone else’s perspective.

The Empty Chair technique can also be used to speak to parts of your own self. While that sounds a bit silly at first, if we really listened closely to the messages we send ourselves, it becomes easier to see how this may be helpful. If you’re someone who is pointing a finger at someone else, and you need to have an empty chair conversation with that person, then you’re expressing the blame you feel towards another. But we can, and often do, express blame towards ourselves, which essentially is our own feelings of guilt. We’re blaming ourselves for something, pointing a finger at ourselves for a mistake or some action we now disagree with, and we’re holding on to that just like we hold onto blame towards others. Having a conversation with yourself, and then trading chairs and responding with the feelings and emotions that come from verbally being spoken to about that conversation can be enlightening.

Do you have anyone you’re wishing you could speak to, but you’re unable to? If so, try the empty chair technique and have that conversation. Say the things that are on your mind and in your heart, that are keeping you from letting go and moving on from the person or the situation. Then take their place and receive that message, and respond from their point of view. You can go back and forth, and after you start feeling comfortable with the process you may be able to really dig deep and explore some messages and some perceptions that have been creating a block for you.