It may seem safe to assume that everyone wants peace, and no one really likes a lot of conflict in their life. However, you may also know someone who seems like they are always causing, creating, or stirring up conflict. The opposite of conflict is peace, and it seems like a no-brainer that everyone would prefer peace over conflict. But, you will also find that not everyone chooses peace, and some people do prefer to constantly be wrapped up in some sort of conflict.

Conflict is caused when there is a difference of opinion, and that opinion typically comes from a difference in values or priorities. If you are constantly having conflict with someone it’s probably because you have differing values or priorities, and the things that are important to you are not as important to the other person, and vice versa. People tend to really dig in when they have strong opinions on something, based on that something being a deeply seated value or priority in their life. Other factors include someone who may not necessarily believe strongly in something, but may be someone who does not “give in” easily or who isn’t good at compromising.

Why would someone choose to remain in conflict, rather than working toward peace? Often when children are raised in homes with a lot of conflict, or chaos, that becomes the environment in which they are the most comfortable. When they get older and start their own relationships and families, they may tend to choose someone who recreates that environment where they are most comfortable. If they grew up with a lot of conflict around them, they will feel uncomfortable in a relationship where there is a constant flow of peace and calm. To bring them back into their comfort zone they may create conflict, because that’s what they know how to handle.

If you have one person in a relationship who is comfortable with chaos and/or conflict, and one who is comfortable with peace, someone is going to be unhappy because you can’t have both. The person who prefers peace will continuously be striving to reach a place of peace, while the person who prefers conflict will continuously be doing whatever it takes to create that environment where they’re most comfortable.

If you aren’t comfortable with conflict, or don’t prefer it, but you do find yourself having conflicts on a regular basis, particularly with one person or group, look at your values and priorities compared to theirs. Most likely you will be able to see that there are vast differences between the two, and that will be the real source of the conflict. Finding common ground and working to create compromise in the areas where you disagree and differ will help keep the conflict minimized.

If you are someone who feels most comfortable when there is some sort of conflict, try to be aware of the types of situations where you find yourself looking for conflict. If things are going great in your relationship but you find yourself picking fights, as an example, then look at yourself closely to figure out why you feel the need to pick the fight rather than being comfortable and content with things going smoothly in your relationship. Find other ways to feel active and energetic within the relationship, in positive ways rather than negative.

Conflict keeps us from having peace in our lives and feeling a sense of contentedness with our situation, our home life, and our relationships. It’s helpful, even if difficult, to learn to accept others’ opinions and values, and to respect those when communicating. This changes conflict into discussion, learning, and growth together. Being able to manage differences without anger or criticism will also help to diffuse conflict and turn it into productive conversation. Additionally, when having a verbal conflict, argument or disagreement with someone, remember to stay calm. If you escalate, so will the other person, almost every time. If you lose your temper, it’s likely the other person will also. However, if you can remain calm, reasonable, and keep yourself in a position of simply looking to find solutions that work for everyone, you will be far more successful in a conflict than yelling, verbally criticizing or just plain fighting for your “win” in the argument.

Are you a conflict-seeker or a peace-seeker? How about your partner, coworkers, and other significant people in your life? Look for ways to reach agreement, compromise, and a mutually respectful middle ground. If you’re a conflict-seeker, look for reasons why you may be more comfortable in conflict, and work through that to reach a point where you’re comfortable with peace in your life.